Friday, June 18, 2010

And with this, I let her go...

I wrote this while dealing with the loss of a relationship. I'm posting this to release it and let her go and gain closure. I've removed a few details to protect her identity.
I'm just about there.

The story of us...

Mar. 26

I met her while I was living with my ex....

We started chatting online and the first posting I saw of hers, I'm not sure why, but I felt connected, with no credible reason for it. Her icon didn't show who she was and I had no idea what she looked like. And yet, there was a pull.

A few weeks later we exchanged facebook profiles. She was beautiful. Her face could light up a room. Her smile was the first thing I saw and the first thing I think of. Not knowing how she would take it, I admitted that I had a crush. The problem was, we were BOTH in relationships (she had a kid, complicating the situation). She admitted that she had a crush on me too and we became friends.

We were friends that admitted to how much we wanted to fuck each other. It was only supposed to be an affair. She couldn't leave her boyfriend for logistical and comfortablility reasons and I wasn't quite ready to leave my girlfriend because I was struggling with how I felt about her.

We bonded over our relationship issues. She told me the things that upset her about her bf. I assured her that that wasn't me and vice versa. We seemed to be everything that we thought we were missing in our current relationship.

And then she said it... "I'm just scared of the thought of falling in love with you".
And then I thought it... "Ya know what, I am too"....

When I started feeling things for her. More than just about being a friend that wanted to fuck her, I knew it was time to end my relationship. It wasn't fair. I found the courage that I don't usually find, and I broke it off. And yet, I was excited at the prospect of her.

Finally, we met. She only had time for a quick meeting. Literally 5 minutes of hanging out. I looked into her eyes once, and I knew. This was the girl for me. I didn't want or care about anything else in that moment. The word "hi" was all I could muster and I kissed her. My hand caressed the back of her neck and our noses rubbed together and we looked into each others eyes and smiled. And she was off. I hadn't felt, or allowed myself to feel like this since I was 17. Just blind, stupid, love. The kind that you know is just going to get your heart broken.

We met again. She wanted to see a particular movie and we were going on opening day. I bought tickets for a late afternoon show. I cooked for her and she was happy. We laid in bed and talked about the possibilities of the future. Our bodies coming together was amazing. We told each other that we couldn't imagine our lives without each other. It was the perfect day. I didn't know that when she left, it would be the last time I'd see her.

The original plan was for me to date and if it was meant to be, it would. Which is my general life philosophy. But with her, I was consumed. Much like that 17 year old me, I could think of nothing else but this girl that I was so in love with. It got to the point that I was annoyed by myself. Things weren't moving along as quickly as I wanted to on her end, and I became depressed. Realistically, I knew they weren't going to, but I was sad because I wanted to be with this girl that I loved so much and couldn't. Anytime some life event happened, I had no idea about it until days later. I knew she was an adult that could take care of herself, but all I wanted to do was be there for her. When she needed someone to be there, it should have been me and not the loser boyfriend who could care less.

I told her I needed to back off a bit. That this was no good for either one of us. That we should remain friends for the moment. She told me she agreed but she was still trying to figure out how to rearrange her life so we could be together, but that it would take time. I told her I wasn't going to wait, I would just hope the timing was right. Really, I was going to wait. Things went back to normal.

Instead of being so intense, I was relaxed and happy again. She felt less intense and less pressured. I didn't mean to pressure her and told her she shouldn't be, but she was concerned about me.

Then she stopped talking to me. When she didn't talk to me for a few days, I was ok with it. Used to it. When it turned into a week, and I saw her pop on msgr at times and not say anything, and post on the message board, I knew something was wrong. She was pulling away.

I sent her a message and told her how I felt and that I was separating myself from the situation. If she was going to start ignoring me, I was going to avoid her from the places I'd see her most. It was torture knowing she was online and not talking to me, for whatever the reason. My sadness was turning to anger, eating at me. Her response only served to infuriate me. She broke up with the boyfriend and claimed to not be able to give me what I wanted.

I could get into her reasons why. I could get into, what I think, are the real reasons. But no matter what the reasons are, either true, or false, or false to just herself, the conclusion is that she's there, and I'm here. That a girl that I felt I was meant to be with, and has claimed the same feeling, felt that I was meant to walk away instead. And I did. And I'm not sure that I can give anyone that again. Love is just too fucking exhausting.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Interviews from Go Go Curry finals...